Hope. Now.

I love the song by Addison Road called Hope Now.  I usually don't love a song the first time I hear it, but when I do, I know it's a good one.

My favorite line is:  I'm not my own, I've been carried by you all my life.  I'm physically incapable of hearing it without getting choked up.

Because it's. so. true.

So true.

When I look back at my life, there is no mistaking the fact that there IS a God and He is madly in love with me.  No other logical explanation for any of it.

My computer is not letting me copy and paste certain things for some supremely annoying reason, so I guess you'll have to click over there to hear it...

Balance

Balance has been on my mind a lot lately.  I'm kind of an ALL or NOTHING kinda gal, so balance is tricky for me.

Tricky or not, I think it's important.  In all things.  In health, in Spiritual matters and especially parenting.  I read this fantastic post today, and I think what makes it fantastic is balance.

I want what I want and I want it now.  Can you relate?  When I ask someone to do something, I want them to do it right now.  Please tell me I'm not the only one.  So, when I tell Chloe to come here, sit down, eat your chicken, give me that, leave that on, don't stand on that, give me a kiss....  I want it now.  I'm all about the first time obedience, yo. 

Ha!  Because I'm such a jedi master in obedience myself, right?  

Please.  

I read Grace Based Parenting and realized that first time obedience (and the efforts that go into training for it) and grace based parenting don't exactly go hand in hand.  Ultimately, I want to have the relationship that God wants with me with Chloe.  I'm pretty sure that if God's number one priority was first time obedience, he'd have no doubt given up on me years ago...

So, with Chloe, I seek balance.  I'm not giving up hope of an obedient child.  I'm not even giving up hope for first time obedience.  I'm still me and still want what I want.  But I also know that our relationship is more important than what I want, what I think I need.  So how I'll go about it will be different based on that conclusion.  My expectations will be different.  Balanced, hopefully.

In my spiritual life...  Balance.  I desire to be holy because I know it's what He desires for me.  I try.  I fail.  I try.  I fail.  In most things, if I try that much and continue to fail, I quit.  I want perfection from myself, even if no one else cares.  I'm so thankful that God has given us His Word.  Filled with people who loved him, like I love him.  People who fail.  Miserably.  But they continue.  They don't quit.  They keep on keeping on.  And He blesses them every time.

I have questions.  There is so much of it that I don't get.  I keep trudging along and I continually remind myself:  Balance!  It's a process.  I'm not likely to understand it all until I meet Jesus face to face.  I can overthink a trip to the grocery store or cleaning my toilet, so trust me when  I say - I need balance when it comes to understanding scripture and not overthinking my questions and those things that seem to contradict themselves in scripture. Even though I know that they don't, with enough overthinking - they sure seem to.

Balance in my relationships.  For many years I carried the torch in almost all of my personal relationships.  If I didn't come visit, we didn't visit.  If I didn't call, we didn't chat. Balance has brought a lot of painful realizations, the worst of which is that a one sided relationship isn't a relationship at all.  I mourn the loss of friends that I loved dearly.  It saddens me that when I stopped doing all of the work, the friendships died.  When we begin to value balance and a healthy order of things, it's not always easy, but I believe it's always right.

I will continue to seek God and His version of balance.  I pray that with it comes peace, contentment and joy.  I think that would be a sure sign that I was on the right track, wouldn't you agree?

I Don't Get It

There is so much in Scripture that I don't understand.  It really kind of bugs me.  It almost seems like the more I seek to understand it, the more confusing it becomes.

I recently started reading Genesis.  When Pastors say that the Bible is as interesting and engaging as anything else you could want to read, I'd say, I have to agree.  Scandal, love, deceit, twists, turns, you name it.  One story that I have always found especially perplexing is the story of Jacob and Esau.

When Rebekah is carrying this set of twins, the Lord tells her that two nations are warring inside her and that the older one will serve the younger one.

Pause.

I've mentioned before that I struggle with understanding God's Will, haven't I?  This is a classic case.

Unpause.

Esau is born first, and Jacob is born second.  Isaac favors Esau and Rebekah favors Jacob. When the boys are grown, Esau sells his birthright to Jacob for a bowl of stew.

That must of been some good stew.

When Isaac has gotten very old and is about to die, he tells Esau that he wants to give him his blessing.  Isaac likes stew too, so he asks Esau to go hunting and whip up a batch.  Rebekah overhears this and hatches a plan to trick Isaac into blessing Jacob instead.

Question.

Does Rebekah do this because the Lord told her this is how it was going to  be?  Or does the Lord know that this was the choice she would make, and therefore he prophesied what he already knew was going to take place, even though it wasn't necessarily His will for Isaac to be deceived?

Are you following me at all?  I hope so.  Because sometimes I have a hard time following myself.

Do you read the Bible?  Do you have questions like this when you do?  Is there one specific issue that comes up for you?

I am consistently scratching my head when it comes to free choice versus God's Will.  So often, when awful wretched things happen, I hear good people that love the Lord say this must have been His plan.  

I don't get it.

When I read the gospels and Jesus came against every form of disease, sickness, disfunction, imperfection or whathaveyou, he rebuked it.  He made it right.  So I find it hard to believe that many of those same things today are in God's Will.

How about this one?  What about salvation?  What about who's name is on the roster?  Do we put our names on it, or does God choose?  I know there are many people that believe God chose an elite group.  There are even several places in Scripture where Paul seems to refer to this very idea.  I don't doubt that there is a specific group of people that will be with Jesus for eternity.  Not for a second.  But when it is referred to as the "elect".  It makes it sound like we ain't the ones deciding.  It sounds a lot more like it's been decided for us.

It's a head scratcher in my book.

The good news is, we don't have to understand every aspect of the Christian faith.  Anyone else relieved by that?  I want to, but I also believe that it's highly unlikely any of us will this side of Heaven.  

So until that day, I will continue to seek God.  Not for understanding, but for relationship.  

And I know understanding will come. Even if I don't get it.

If Only It Were A Golden Calf

Oh, the idolatry...  

Biggest sigh ever.

Jesus is tracking me down wherever I go these days.  Or he's having my mail forwarded to a number of different people.  Either way, the slow process of breaking me down so HE can rebuild?

Uh, yeah.  I'd say that's underway, officially, now.

Brick by brick.

This oughta be fun.

He is taking the things that I've set up as idols in my life, and reminding me that He is the one I'm to worship.

He is literally destroying relationships, in an effort to show that the one with Him is the ONLY one that matters.

He is revealing the Pride and Selfishness that exist in my life.  And unfortunately, He can't get close to me when that disgusting debris is littering the path.

I just wish we lived in the days of the golden calves.  

Because then I could pay someone else to take that worthless thing to the edge of town, to the LANDFILL where it belongs.

But these days, our idols are our own flesh and bone.  They are our misconceptions about ourselves and others.  

And the process of breaking it up and hauling it to the landfill is a long and painful one.

But it's a necessary one, and I am onboard.  I'm even a little bit excited.  Ready to get my hands dirty.

And I know I will be better on the other side.

Open Hands

Our MOPS group started back up today.  I'm excited for my second year and trusting that God has great things in store...  This year I feel able to get more involved, so I've volunteered to be part of the steering committee.  I'm not sure what that looks like, yet.  But I think it's going to be a lot of fun.

God never ceases to amaze me, in His ability to speak truth directly to my heart in the midst of a group.  Our Mentor Mom is truly fabulous and I don't know how she does it, but she manages to speak directly to me almost every week.  How can she possibly know what I need?  She doesn't.  He does.  It's a beautiful thing...

Today, she was talking about relationships and how things can change, even when you don't want them to.  Word.  She talked about holding things with open hands, so it's a lot easier to not only let go, when it's time, but also to receive whatever God is going to put in it's place.

I needed to hear that.  Oh, how I needed to hear that.  The sticky buns?  I didn't need those.  The silly (and fun) game, that made me regret wearing heels?  Didn't need that.  But those words, that reminder?  That was worth the price of admission times 10.  Easily.

I knew I needed to bring myself back to a place of surrender.  Especially regarding a specific situation that I don't understand and I don't like.  Not one bit.  It makes absolutely no sense to me and I feel like it should be different.  But like most things in my life, it is outside of my control.  I've done all I can do to bring about a happy ending, and it's just not happening.  So what's my next step?

Surrender.

Even though I don't wanna.

I will, because I know there is always a lesson.  There is always good in there somewhere, even when all I can see is the dysfunction, the ugly and the enemy's wretched, wretched scheming.

So, I will surrender.  I will say goodbye to my plan.  And I will open my hands and wait for what God will place in them.  And this time, I will not close my hand around whatever that is. He gives and takes away, and it's a lot easier when it's not a tug of war.

Wisdom

I long to understand the heart of God.  I want to wade out past the confusing arguments of men and swim out into the vast deep knowledge of God.  I want the disagreements of this group and that church and those people to matter not, because God told me what he thinks about all of it.

All those things that seem like contradictions, but I know they can't be?  I want to understand and be able to help others understand, too.  

The questions keep coming like rain that overwhelms.  Rain that shows no sign of stopping anytime soon.

The rain, it can be good.

I guess it's like anything.  It can be good or bad.  Just depends on how you look at it.

The questions have the power to separate or draw in.

I'm leaning in.

The Power of Praying

A couple of years ago, I bought the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.  I read through the book, praying each prayer at the end.  I underlined a lot of stuff, like I do.  It went on the shelf for the next several months.  Probably six months or so ago, I got it back out and thought I'd read it again.  

I didn't.

What I did do, has really worked for me.  Instead of rereading the whole book, I scanned over the underlined portions throughout each chapter and then prayed through the prayers at the end of each chapter.  I began doing one chapter/prayer each night and dating it.  I just completed the 5th time through.  I decided this time that I will make a list of the most important things from each section and craft my own specific prayer.  As I pray through each chapter this time around, I'll be jotting notes in a journal every night and when I'm done, I'll create my extra special personalized prayer to pray over my husband every night.

Knowing that I'm covering my husband in prayer means a lot to me.  What has really been incredible, is watching as, over time, some of these prayers are answered.  

We have been married for ten years, and while I would characterize them as wonderful years, I would definitely not lie to you and say that any one of them has been easy.  Though as time goes by, it does get easier, so hang on newlyweds.  I can tell you one thing for sure, some of the things I have desired to change about my husband for years, have come to pass even in the last few months.  Not because I've finally convinced him.  Not because I was right all along.  But because when I surrendered it to the Lord and allowed Him to work in my husbands heart, my husband came to some of my same conclusions.  The excellent thing about surrender is that when I let go of it, it lets go of me - whether or not things change.

If you are married and you haven't read the book, you should.  If you're not married, get The Power of a Praying Woman (or Man). Consider praying the prayers consistently, too.  It has really worked for me!

For more Works for Me Wednesday, visit We Are THAT Family.