Hope. Now.

I love the song by Addison Road called Hope Now.  I usually don't love a song the first time I hear it, but when I do, I know it's a good one.

My favorite line is:  I'm not my own, I've been carried by you all my life.  I'm physically incapable of hearing it without getting choked up.

Because it's. so. true.

So true.

When I look back at my life, there is no mistaking the fact that there IS a God and He is madly in love with me.  No other logical explanation for any of it.

My computer is not letting me copy and paste certain things for some supremely annoying reason, so I guess you'll have to click over there to hear it...

Balance

Balance has been on my mind a lot lately.  I'm kind of an ALL or NOTHING kinda gal, so balance is tricky for me.

Tricky or not, I think it's important.  In all things.  In health, in Spiritual matters and especially parenting.  I read this fantastic post today, and I think what makes it fantastic is balance.

I want what I want and I want it now.  Can you relate?  When I ask someone to do something, I want them to do it right now.  Please tell me I'm not the only one.  So, when I tell Chloe to come here, sit down, eat your chicken, give me that, leave that on, don't stand on that, give me a kiss....  I want it now.  I'm all about the first time obedience, yo. 

Ha!  Because I'm such a jedi master in obedience myself, right?  

Please.  

I read Grace Based Parenting and realized that first time obedience (and the efforts that go into training for it) and grace based parenting don't exactly go hand in hand.  Ultimately, I want to have the relationship that God wants with me with Chloe.  I'm pretty sure that if God's number one priority was first time obedience, he'd have no doubt given up on me years ago...

So, with Chloe, I seek balance.  I'm not giving up hope of an obedient child.  I'm not even giving up hope for first time obedience.  I'm still me and still want what I want.  But I also know that our relationship is more important than what I want, what I think I need.  So how I'll go about it will be different based on that conclusion.  My expectations will be different.  Balanced, hopefully.

In my spiritual life...  Balance.  I desire to be holy because I know it's what He desires for me.  I try.  I fail.  I try.  I fail.  In most things, if I try that much and continue to fail, I quit.  I want perfection from myself, even if no one else cares.  I'm so thankful that God has given us His Word.  Filled with people who loved him, like I love him.  People who fail.  Miserably.  But they continue.  They don't quit.  They keep on keeping on.  And He blesses them every time.

I have questions.  There is so much of it that I don't get.  I keep trudging along and I continually remind myself:  Balance!  It's a process.  I'm not likely to understand it all until I meet Jesus face to face.  I can overthink a trip to the grocery store or cleaning my toilet, so trust me when  I say - I need balance when it comes to understanding scripture and not overthinking my questions and those things that seem to contradict themselves in scripture. Even though I know that they don't, with enough overthinking - they sure seem to.

Balance in my relationships.  For many years I carried the torch in almost all of my personal relationships.  If I didn't come visit, we didn't visit.  If I didn't call, we didn't chat. Balance has brought a lot of painful realizations, the worst of which is that a one sided relationship isn't a relationship at all.  I mourn the loss of friends that I loved dearly.  It saddens me that when I stopped doing all of the work, the friendships died.  When we begin to value balance and a healthy order of things, it's not always easy, but I believe it's always right.

I will continue to seek God and His version of balance.  I pray that with it comes peace, contentment and joy.  I think that would be a sure sign that I was on the right track, wouldn't you agree?

I Don't Get It

There is so much in Scripture that I don't understand.  It really kind of bugs me.  It almost seems like the more I seek to understand it, the more confusing it becomes.

I recently started reading Genesis.  When Pastors say that the Bible is as interesting and engaging as anything else you could want to read, I'd say, I have to agree.  Scandal, love, deceit, twists, turns, you name it.  One story that I have always found especially perplexing is the story of Jacob and Esau.

When Rebekah is carrying this set of twins, the Lord tells her that two nations are warring inside her and that the older one will serve the younger one.

Pause.

I've mentioned before that I struggle with understanding God's Will, haven't I?  This is a classic case.

Unpause.

Esau is born first, and Jacob is born second.  Isaac favors Esau and Rebekah favors Jacob. When the boys are grown, Esau sells his birthright to Jacob for a bowl of stew.

That must of been some good stew.

When Isaac has gotten very old and is about to die, he tells Esau that he wants to give him his blessing.  Isaac likes stew too, so he asks Esau to go hunting and whip up a batch.  Rebekah overhears this and hatches a plan to trick Isaac into blessing Jacob instead.

Question.

Does Rebekah do this because the Lord told her this is how it was going to  be?  Or does the Lord know that this was the choice she would make, and therefore he prophesied what he already knew was going to take place, even though it wasn't necessarily His will for Isaac to be deceived?

Are you following me at all?  I hope so.  Because sometimes I have a hard time following myself.

Do you read the Bible?  Do you have questions like this when you do?  Is there one specific issue that comes up for you?

I am consistently scratching my head when it comes to free choice versus God's Will.  So often, when awful wretched things happen, I hear good people that love the Lord say this must have been His plan.  

I don't get it.

When I read the gospels and Jesus came against every form of disease, sickness, disfunction, imperfection or whathaveyou, he rebuked it.  He made it right.  So I find it hard to believe that many of those same things today are in God's Will.

How about this one?  What about salvation?  What about who's name is on the roster?  Do we put our names on it, or does God choose?  I know there are many people that believe God chose an elite group.  There are even several places in Scripture where Paul seems to refer to this very idea.  I don't doubt that there is a specific group of people that will be with Jesus for eternity.  Not for a second.  But when it is referred to as the "elect".  It makes it sound like we ain't the ones deciding.  It sounds a lot more like it's been decided for us.

It's a head scratcher in my book.

The good news is, we don't have to understand every aspect of the Christian faith.  Anyone else relieved by that?  I want to, but I also believe that it's highly unlikely any of us will this side of Heaven.  

So until that day, I will continue to seek God.  Not for understanding, but for relationship.  

And I know understanding will come. Even if I don't get it.